Written By Ashley Smith at 7:17 PM
10 June 2008
08 June 2008
I've been a perfectionist since childhood. My mom loves to tell the story of me throwing my crayon and yelling "fuck" for coloring outside the line at the ripe age of three. I still do the same, of course in a less graphic, outrageous manner but I will rip up an imperfect art or craft, I'll work obsessively on a paper or an idea until I turn it into an acceptable form of my over-achieving standards.
These last two and a half weeks have been less than perfect for me. I'm not in the place that I want to be right now (i.e. living on my friend's couch, not studying, not working). But I'm striving to change that.
I can't think of anything but moving to Australia. There's a constant realization or strategy swirling around in my brain. Some new idea or calculation that I could use in the convincing of my dad to help me pay for postgraduate school.
But among all the imperfection, the disorder, I think I'm slowly learning something about myself.
I'm an impatiently patient person.
I'm a disordered perfectionist.
I'm a scatter brain, I can't keep my thoughts aligned and I get so excited and focused on so many tasks at one time that I can't finish any given thing in my personal allotted time.
I'm a procrastinator to the core.
I have a real family who will always be there for me and for whom I will always be.....even across the world.
Shared biology does not necessarily equal shared interests, similar goals, the desire to be with one another.
Burning bridges is sometimes an unavoidable fact of life.
So is giving up and starting over.
I think I am a stronger person than I sometimes give myself credit for. I doubt myself and the people around me way more than I want and should and then they do and say the most surprisingly amazing things to make you remember why you love them. Unfortunately, sometimes they say or do the exact wrong things. I've got to learn to allow those moments weigh less than the amazing ones.
But I think mostly I've learned that nothing is inherently good nor bad. Everything is relative and if I choose to be upset at something that I could just as easily not care about, I'm spinning the situation negatively.
I can create the positivity I seek.
Written By Ashley Smith at 4:21 PM