06 January 2008

I've been afraid of changing because I built my life around you

Wow, flash back to junior high, Kirsten Hubbard and I sitting on her bedroom floor, surrounded by bongo drums, Smashing Pumpkins CD inserts and the stereo, which was blasting which ever song we decided to analyze at that moment.

I figured at that time that tearing apart lyrics and relating them to our angsty lives was a passing teenage phase but even now, at 24, I find myself getting lost in the comfort of lyrics and still relating them to real life.....maybe it makes me feel better to know that someone, somewhere at some point in time felt (or at least wrote down) the same things I do.

Anyway, as most of you don't know, I'm having difficulty in the family area at this very moment. I'm trying incredibly hard not to be angry, not to be sad, not to be selfish or egotistical but I'm feeling really stressed out, worried, abandoned, hurt....so many things are passing in and out and in and sometimes not even out (which is bothering me a lot) and I feel like I really can't control it right now....So, true to form, I turned on a bit of Smashing Pumpkins.

I'm taking Stevie Nick's Landslide as my own. I'm hoping with everything I hold deep inside of me that this landslide will bring down my own reflection in the snow and that I can change and grow once I realize that no one is flawless, no one should be put above or thought of as all-knowing, smarter, wiser, better than me because we (even parents) are growing, getting older, trying to handle the seasons of their own lives. It's time to unbuild my life around them and live my own life, worry about my own things....

WOW! reading this and writing it makes me feel SO silly.

Landslide Lyrics

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill
'til a landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I'm getting older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hill
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down


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your email reminded me to check out your blog, and I found this call out -- such a memory trip. Smashing Pumpkins still makes me wistful. I think we were lucky: we were aware even then what an important time of our lives it was....

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